


Dear Arthur

by Tamasha



Series: The Parties of Our Lives [7]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Feels, Gay, Happy Ending, Letters, Love, M/M, Magic, Marriage Proposal, Modern Era, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Self-Reflection, Sex, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: Dearest Arthur,The love of my life, my best friend, my favorite adult, my best husband, and the greatest king who ever lived.I love you.I know you know that. But I think you should know exactly how I love you. Because even though I talk about my feelings all the time, I want to take you on a journey through my feelings and what it was like falling in love with you.(I need to warn you, this letter isn't all happy and smiles. I know you know my past, but triggers may lie ahead. Read with caution, Arthur.)





	Dear Arthur

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara
> 
> ((TRIGGER WARNING: rape/non-con, bad BDSM etiquette, various types of abuse. None of it is extremely explicit but there are a lot of references in this, so please be careful!))

Dearest Arthur,

The love of my life, my best friend, my favorite adult, my best husband, and the greatest king who ever lived.

I love you.

I know you know that. But I think you should know exactly how I love you. Because even though I talk about my feelings all the time, I want to take you on a journey through my feelings and what it was like falling in love with you.

(I need to warn you, this letter isn't all happy and smiles. I know you know my past, but triggers may lie ahead. Read with caution, Arthur. I hate to put you through any sadness.)

Like any good story, I will start at the beginning.

I was 8 years old and Mum walked into my room while I was playing with my new magic set we had gotten from the toy store. It was expensive and I had no idea at the time that Mum must have saved for months to afford it. She sat next to me and rubbed my head, saying nothing, watching me for a moment. After some time, I asked her where Daddy was, and her hand stilled. Kids pick up on the strangest things. I remember it so vividly. I was holding a box with a mirror in it and trying to decide which way was up and which was down, and the split second before she could answer my question, I felt queasy and angry.

I think that was the first time I really felt angry at Balinor.

I thought he hated me.

I know that's a silly conclusion to draw from a man who can't even remember what year it is, but I was 8 and I was hurt.

When I was 12 and he had been gone for so long I knew he wasn't coming back, I ran away from home for the first time. Mum nearly killed me she was so mad. But I know now she was just scared. Scared of the person I'd become and that I would leave her too. I wish I had known that then, because I wouldn't have left her at 16 if I had. I only proved her right.

My abandonment issues probably started with my Grandfather dying. Though he couldn’t help that, I blamed him for leaving me. I blamed Balinor for not loving me. And I blamed Mum for not stopping me from getting myself into trouble.

Will and I both had mums who were just too scared to say no, and we both needed to test that as much as possible. We had no clear limits, so we had to find them ourselves.

I was 12 when I lost my virginity. And I had no idea what that meant. To me, then, it was an adult act that I was privileged to have. It wasn't until my second time at age 13 that I realized it was something I shouldn’t have done so young. But at that time I didn’t care because I felt in control of my body. It was something I knew I had. Almost a power I could use to get what I wanted. And at the time, the thing I wanted most was attention.

That's always been me. Craving the attention of others.

I know it's led to some real fucked up scenarios for me, but I needed others to love me since I never learned how to love myself.

Sure I loved myself in all the ways Mum taught me how: I never apologized for being gay, I always told people magic was cool, and I never once thought I was a mean spirited person because I helped everyone I could.

But really love myself? 

I don't think I did since I didn't value my own wants or needs. It came from my need to please, because pleasing people meant I was loved and feeling loved was something I thought I would never feel enough of.

Let me tell you what happened the year I left Ireland. 

I had my first heartbreak. 

Like real, honest-to-God heartbreak.

Will had been drinking more and more, angry with his mother's own drinking problems and angry with his dad for trying to beat it out of her. So he basically disappeared as a friend. I had gotten in with the wrong crowd and thought that getting high would make all the pain I was feeling disappear. And it worked. When I got high the world made a little bit more sense and the frayed ends of my life seemed to disappear.

But I had no idea what I was turning myself into. I was forcing myself into happiness because that's what I thought I felt.

Ben never wanted to hurt me, but he did. He fucked me all through my last year of school and made me believe that's what love was. When he told me we weren't dating and that I was a hopeless romantic, I believed him and I knew there was no hope for me.

That year was the year I discovered that teachers only existed to get me in trouble and upset my mother. I hated upsetting her and could see that I was no better than my father.

Maybe subconsciously I became him because of self fulfilling prophecies or some shit.

Truth is I still don't exactly know why I left. Will wanted out and couldn't watch his mother slowly kill herself. And me, well, I was sad about Ben and thought a change of scenery would be good. I thought that all my problems would be solved if I ran. But they followed me of course. Because my problems weren't with Mum, they weren't with Ben, hell they weren't even with my shit father. They were with me. I was the one looking for the secrets to happiness in exterior things and not for one second looking for it within myself.

I think I left because I knew that I wasn't the son my mother deserved. It wasn’t exactly suicidal, but I knew I wanted to disappear and Will was offering a way to do that by moving to England.

When we got there, I never cried as hard as I did that first night in the hotel room. Neither of us had jobs or connections in London, we were just two shitty teens, hoping we could pass as adults.

Within the first week we had heard that Rachel was in London. She had moved a few months before we had, with her family, and was planning on finishing her A-Levels. Planning. But like us, she needed to escape herself and found that friends, sex, and drugs helps you to forget what you're looking for.

(I want to stop here and remind you that at the time I was so fucking happy, Arthur. I know that I made so many bad choices, but that first year living in England was one of the best years of my life. I thought I had found a home. Of course I hadn't understood what I was doing to myself at the time, but… I was happy.)

I think what really made me feel as if I could find a home anywhere I asked, was when I met Morgause. She never judged anyone and took care of everyone she knew.

I remember one night I got really drunk and there was a group of us watching Fight Club. It got too gory for me, and I had to turn away. I wanted to still hear the movie, but I couldn't watch. She held me like a child in her arms and I missed Mum more than I ever had in that moment. But that just made me love Morgause. Her aloofness only made me crave her attention more.

It was when I was 17 that I gave my first blow job for her. She was sitting at the table, stressing about getting some crack to a client across town. I told her I could run it for her since I had just been fired at the coffee shop and had nothing to do with my time. Since I was living there rent free, I should earn my keep somehow. She smiled at me, ruffled my hair, and told me I made her proud. I rushed off to prove myself to her and walked in on the guy masturbating. It was awkward, but me - you know - being me, asked if he needed any help. He smiled so sweetly as he opened his legs up for me saying if I was willing, I could do whatever I wanted. Of course that was hot as hell and like every porno I had ever seen, so naturally I took him up on the offer. He offered to smoke me out afterwards as a thank you, and I found a way that I was useful to someone.

When I told Morgause what had happened she wasn't immediately grateful to me. She was worried. She told me she didn’t think I should have done it unless I really wanted to. I reassured her I did and that he didn't even touch me, so I was mostly safe from STDs. She agreed to that and gave me a forced smile. Though, that night, when she got so fucked up and forgot who she was, she told me she had never been so proud and that I was valuable to her business and I believed her. I made use of my skills and unofficially I had become the delivery boy who gave extra services. If a client wanted something extra they would pay her a little more and get the bonus of having me come deliver. She pocketed the money and I got to live there for free. It was a win-win.

And I thought I was doing something good.

Honestly, it was Daniel who made me stop that. He liked the idea of it, but wanted me to be exclusively his. See, I thought that meant he had feelings for me, but really he was just selfish and probably scared I would contract an STD and give it to him. Seeing as we had become close over an AIDS scare together, it made perfect sense.

And, well, you know how the rest of that story goes.

The first time I felt uncomfortable in bed with someone was with Daniel.

We were right in the middle of it, and he had finished inside me, but stopped me from my own release. I waited for him to roll me over and finish me off, but he just got up and went to the toilet leaving me there confused. He came back to bed, slapped my ass and went to sleep. He knew what I liked in bed, but he didn’t realize that orgasm delay and orgasm denial were two different things. He didn’t ask either. He just assumed. And there was no discussion after about how I was doing. I was angry, but I didn't want to start a fight, so I left, but not before I went to the bathroom and jerked off all over his towel. He was livid the following day, but it just led to hot angry sex that was so fucking good I thought I could forgive him.

When he first brought up knife play, I thought I made myself clear, but I still doubt that I even gave him a clear answer. Regardless, when he brought it up the second time we were already in the moment and I didn't want to ruin things by telling him to stop. I thought I was trying something new and I was being adventurous. He still got me to come so he thought that meant I liked it.

Later, we talked about it and he insisted that I didn't know what I wanted. We got in a fight, but I got over it and we made up later that week. He didn’t bring it up again until it was really bad. He was upset with me that day because I was late and didn't call and he wanted to ‘punish’ me. However, we had no agreements to punishment outside of play. Of course, neither of us really had any idea what we were doing exactly, and no one had taught me how to navigate these kinds of situations. So I let him do what he wanted and went home crying that night. I didn’t show up for two weeks and I ended up going back to him because our friends had told me I was overreacting. Of course I didn’t tell them the truth and let them believe Daniel because he was their friend too, and I didn't want to make him look bad.

I went back to him and he used me for another month before he finally ended things with me. But he never did use knives again in bed, so I thought that maybe I had got my point across.

Meeting Reid was a whole new experience for me. For one, we met in a quiet bar instead of a club and had actually talked most of the night before he took me home. He was so much nicer than Daniel and had actually asked me to be his boyfriend. I fell too quickly too fast, and the poor guy had no idea what to do with me. 

I had spent so many lonely nights with people I knew wouldn't be there in the morning, I thought that I had finally met my prince charming. I really had loved him. It was just bad timing.

After he broke up with me, I abandoned all hope of finding anyone to love me.

I slept around most in the time between Reid breaking up with me and meeting you.

I didn’t think I could find someone to love me as unconditionally as Mum. Be as protective as Will. Be as giving as Morgause. Be as caring as Rachel. Be as kinky as Daniel. Be as committed as Reid.

But the thing is I had stopped looking for happiness somewhere along the way.

I think I could say that you were all the above things. Unconditional love, protective, giving, caring, kinky, and committed. And you were. You are. Of course you are.

But you were so much more.

I wanted to find someone AS good as those people were in the ways that they were good to me. But the thing is, I found someone better.

You beat them all tenfold. 

(Maybe I should feel bad about saying that about Mum, but I don't care, because I really think you are at least on par with her on the whole unconditional love thing.)

Of course you know the story of how we met and fell in love, but the story only starts here. Everything before you was just prologue.

Now we begin the journey.

When we met, you walked up to me, so confident and sure of yourself. I was in a horrible mood because I had tried to contact Reid earlier in the week and had received a nasty text from him in return. I wanted so badly to just forget about him, and every night I had tried with someone new. So my first thought, honestly, was ‘oh, good, a distraction’.

(I better warn you now that this story has a happy ending. It has a rocky start, but I know you know how much I went through to get to where we are now, and I think it makes what we have all the more special.)

When we went to dinner that night I could tell you were not looking for sex, you were looking for something more. I knew, from my past, I couldn't be what you wanted. I was only good for sex, and I knew I could give you that. I thought you were probably the sweetest bloke I had ever met, and I wanted to be enough for you, but you had no idea.

I wonder sometimes how we managed to get through that first week. I refused to believe you truly cared for me.

I remember when I tried to leave in the morning after our first date, embarrassed I had accidentally spent the night, and you happened to wake up. What if you hadn't woken up at that time and asked me back to bed? I have to tell myself that if that were the case I would have come back for you, but I don't know if I would have. I was so broken then, Arthur. I honestly thought I would sleep around and do magic at parties for the rest of my life. My dream of a handsome prince and seven children was squashed long ago when Ben broke my heart back in Ireland. I was the rebel child who had hurt his own mother, became his ass of a father, slept around, and couldn’t hold a job.

And you, Arthur. God. You were golden.

You were the rebel child too, but yours was a heroic story. You fought against the tyranny of your father, followed your dream, pursued your passion. You were an idol to me.

When you asked if I would be your boyfriend, I agreed because I figured it would speed up the process of you finding out who I really was. I made so many jokes and tried really hard to make you see, but under it all I liked you so damn much because I was finally being treated like a person and silly little me had no idea what that was like.

I fell in love with you almost as quickly as I did with Reid. It was terrifying. I remember going to that Halloween party with you and thinking, ‘this is it. I don’t want to be with anyone else.’ But I tried not to dwell on that since I had had those thoughts before and my heart was too broken to be full.

But little by little you put it together when you didn't even know it.

You adopted Lucy for me.

You offered me a place to stay.

You took me out to show me off.

You never asked for sex, it was always me.

You found out I didn’t like scary movies and told me we would never watch them again.

Remember how mad I got when you told me that? I told you that you couldn’t tell me what to watch and you backed down so quickly saying that I could watch whatever I wanted, you just didn't want to watch me watch something I didn't like. I had been moved, but was too stubborn to admit it. I agreed that we would never watch a scary movie together, for your sake, but inside I felt the love I had for you grow. You wanted to protect me.

That was one checked off the list.

And you had already showed that you were committed by asking me to be yours exclusively. I thought that was more hot than romantic at the time, but I quickly learned I liked being with only you.

I'll be honest, that first week I had the opportunity to sleep with someone else, but I thought of you and couldn't do it. I still had a touch of that hopeless romantic in me and I wanted to see if maybe, just maybe, we would make it.

That itself, is a bit of a miracle. Because I hadn't had hope like that with anyone I had slept with since Reid.

So that was two checked off the list.

Protective and committed.

Caring and giving was easy to check off. I knew both of those from the start. But I could tell just  _ how _ caring you were when you adopted Lucy and took such amazing care of her. I could tell you were giving because you made sure I had a place to live and had food to eat, despite my fighting you the whole time.

I appreciated it all, underneath my stubborn rants. I forgot what it was like to have someone care about my well being so intensely. It made me miss Mum so much.

Kinky was the next thing I found out. The first night even I knew was a bit of a fluke, but as we dated longer we had tried so many new things. The best part was you had the whole consent thing down, which I wasn't exactly used to. Of course I knew all the rules to BDSM, but I figured they made things less fun. You, somehow, made it more fun, by making sure we did what I really wanted and neither of us did things out of our comfort zone. The first time we did a formal scene, I remember you checked in with me and I thought for a moment that I had done something wrong. ‘Are you okay?’ wasn't typically a question I was used to after sex, unless a scene had gone wrong. You gave me a massage and got me water and checked my skin to make sure you hadn't broken through as I had asked. It was… it melted my heart. I wanted to tell you I loved you then and there, but I kept silent, scared I would push you away as I did with Reid and Daniel and Ben… I was scared because I knew then I wouldn't be able to bounce back if I lost you. I knew then if things ended with us, I would not be the same. I didn’t know what I would become, but it would have been bad. I'd have been more lost and broken than before, and I didn't think I'd be strong enough to bear it.

And finally that brings us to unconditional love.

I broke your heart.

I know I did.

I agreed to marry you and got your hopes up, then pulled the rug right out from under your feet.

There are a million different ways to look at what happened between us in this dark dark time of our relationship, but here is the fact I know to be true: I broke your heart.

It took me years to forgive myself for that. I know that we have talked so much about it since and of course it means nothing, considering where we are now. But I had hurt you and I thought there was no coming back from it.

I know you remember the night of that terrible fight.

We were on your bed and you tried to ask me about wedding plans. Every time you did, warning bells would sound in my head telling me to abort mission, get out while my heart was still intact. Another part of me loved you so much I wanted to keep you as mine forever. I panicked, because I knew I was being selfish. I knew how perfect you were and how broken I was and I loved you enough to know that you deserved the chance to get out while you could.

I thought I was giving you that chance. But in the end I just hurt you more than you ever deserved to hurt.

You almost left that night. Your hand was on the door and you were so angry it scared me. But that selfish part of me that knew I'd be broken without you found its way through and begged you not to go.

I wonder if that part of me was quieter if we would be where we are today. I still think so, we just would have taken a different path.

The weeks following me breaking off the engagement were the worst of my life. Worse than any other shit I had put up with. I couldn’t live with the guilt and shame and I wanted so badly for us to be okay again. We drifted around each other, both acting as if we were fine, when really, we both were hurt and needed the other to tell him it was okay.

I'm still sorry for that. We were so young and so naive, but we both could have tried a little harder.

I know you don't know this, but I decided long before the actual proposal that I was going to marry you. In fact, I knew it as soon as I broke off the engagement, I just needed time to be sure.

Honestly, the night you asked me about my mother and told me about your own mother for the first time was when I decided you would be a part of my family forever.

I knew long before I knew, I just didn't know I knew.

I loved you from the start, I just wouldn't let myself believe it.

We had a fight once. A bad one. It was after we moved in together and after I had told you I couldn't marry you. I had just started working at the pet hospital and you had made me a dinner to welcome me home. Of course I had had a terrible day, and that didn't help my mood, but something that had set me off that night was the fact that you still loved me despite all I had put you through. Even though I had broken your heart, you still made the effort to show me such kindness. And that night you continued to show me kindness, and I didn't even know.

After our fight you had wanted make up sex, and I was too tired, broken, and hurt to really want it. I just wanted to hold you, which was a strange feeling for me. I always want sex. Since it was so odd, I thought maybe I was wrong and decided to have sex for your sake. It wasn't the first time I let someone use my body when my head was somewhere else. And you did something no one else had done. You stopped. You couldn't get a definite yes from me, so you told me we wouldn't have sex.

I was confused, but too tired to be mad that night.

The next day you brought it up and somehow Daniel came up for the first time.

Honestly, I had made myself forget about him. I tried to think of him as just a small part of my life, and what he did to me as insignificant. I minimized, as my therapist would say, because I couldn't face the reality of what he did.

It's part of the cycle of abuse. I saw it in Gloria, Will’s mum, when she was with her piece of shit husband. I could recognize it in others, but refused to recognize it for myself.

It took me so long to realize how I let people treat me. It took so long to undo what my past had done. You helped me in so many ways, in more ways than you were even aware. Because of everything you are, Arthur, I learned what love truly is.

There were direct, literal ways you taught me things I never knew before, but the most significant lessons I learned from you were ones you didn't even know you were teaching.

Through falling in love with you, I also learned how to fall in love with myself.

No one else has can have that claim over me, Arthur.

Sometimes you are jealous of my past, but don't be; without it, I wouldn't have known how to love you. 

I needed the dark to appreciate the light.

And you, my love, are my light.

You're the very breath in my lungs.

Arthur Ambrose-Pendragon, you're my partner in life.

My king.

My everything.

I love you so much.

And I love you forever.

Thank you for being mine. And thank you for loving me in all the ways you do. I don’t know who I am without you, and I don’t want to know. You are a part of my soul.

  
Love, forever and always, your favorite magician, and your sweet baby boy,

Merlin Ambrose-Pendragon

**Author's Note:**

> This is something Tamara wrote - a letter from Merlin to Arthur - that gives a lot of the background info for this universe. It ended up being extremely sweet and we both love it, but we hope you all enjoy it too! We tried to make sure there weren't too many references to things that we don't explain.


End file.
